Into My Mind

Monday, December 26, 2005


In 9th Grade I was called a racist slur. It was, oddly enough-- in my favorite class which was and still is, English.

It was fall, the air was warm and the sun was shining through the windows. Sometimes, even in New England, summers don't fade easily. I felt the comforting heat of the sun on left side of my body as I sat down next to my partner Steve to work on poem. As we working, I got up to get a pen or a book from across the room and when I came back I thought I had heard word...."Gook." I honestly thought I had heard it in my mind for whatever reason and so, I sat down.

I knew the term, I've heard on television shows, and movies. But I had never heard said in person. And as naive as this may sound, I hoped to never hear it and directed at me. At that point and time, it was hard for me to fathom the thought of being called such an ignorant and derogatory term.

Minutes later, I heard it again and I knew that it was coming from behind me. It was Jeff and Kenny. Both dressed, spoke and acted as if they had grown up "in the ghetto" as they like to say.. when really, they were raised in the suburbs of New Hampshire. They even called each other the N word quite often. I knew Jeff from 8th grade. Although we weren't friends he had always been nice to me because that's how I had treated him. But...he laughed as Kenny continued to disrespect me...I guess I was being too kind for expecting so much from someone who chose to continually destroy his intelligence by smoking, snorting and drinking it away every weekend.

I didn't have any kind of a relationship with Kenny. He was on Erika's shit list and probably still is. He was her bully in the 6th Grade and made her life a living hell for that year. And so, she hated him with an absolute passion. I believe she once said, "I hope a bus runs him over." I trusted Erika's judgment so he too was my list. However, I never made it a point to instigate a fight with him, I minded my business and treated him as if he were invisible whenever he was near. Before this incident, I really thought that I couldn't hate him anymore. Oh how wrong I was.

He was relentless. The fucker made sure that I heard him And he laughed as he varied its use.

"I hate Gooks."
"I hate fucking Gooks."
"Gooks fucking suck."

Every time his words left his disgusting acne covered face..they didn't lose their power and pain because I felt it each time. It felt like flaming daggers dipped in acid were being thrown at my heart and soul and not once did I become numb to it. I felt the blood from those wounds wanting to escape my almond eyes but I wouldn't let them....I refused to give them that pleasure. Those tears were held back until I got home and cried into my pillow.

After I had cried I went online and told all my friends...even my be unrequited love at the time. He offered to "talk" to them but I told him not to. I was afraid of what would happen to be since Kenny and Jeff belonged to large pack of wannabe clones. They were trash but they wouldn't hesitate to hurt me. High school was/still is a jungle and my neutral self wouldn't serve me well in this situation. I struggled with what to do. My sister had read my e-mails without me knowing and chastised me for not fighting back, for being weak...I was in too much shock and pain to do so. Of course, she didn't consider this, she was just too pissed off at me. Go figure. At least my friends were supportive and they took care of me, I loved them for that..still do.

The end result of all of this was not thrilling or climatic. Either my sister, Steve or my friends contacted my English teacher, Ms. Younker. The next time we had to get into groups...I had somehow chosen Jeff's and Kenny's names out of the hat. Ms. Younker assigned me to another group and when I asked why, she gave me a look and I knew. I was kept separate from those two and eventually, they both dropped out of school.

Being Asian is who I am, and it's something that I can't change, not that I would want to. Yet, Kenny viewed it as some kind of deformity that begged to be ridiculed. If I dislike or even hate anyone it's based on their actions, not their race, sexual orientation, gender, age or creed. Because of this experience I have never called anyone a derogatory name and I never will.

Thursday, December 22, 2005



Did I get under your skin?

Good, because that was my intention

Give up, you’re not going to win

Did you cry, out of frustration

It is just so damn amusing

How the tables have turned

And how you can’t handle losing

You’re the one that got burned

I pushed your buttons exactly right

This revenge is just so satisfying

I’m not done with this fight

Don’t worry, I won’t stop defying

I’ll keep on flipping your switch

And enjoy how much I anger you

You two-faced, lying, uptight bitch

After what you put us through

You’re lucky that you’re still here

Going off on your power trip

Believe me, I’m your worst fear

There’s enough of you left to rip

They will soon see your evil ways

Soon they’ll all uncover

That you’re just a dirty stray

And that you’re a pathetic muthafucker

Yes, that's right folks, suga has some spice and can write like a sailor if she so pleases. This lovely poem was written about three years ago. I had been betrayed by a friend that had turned all Napleon and holier than thou the minute she was given just little bit too much power. Suddenly, the things that she used to take part in with myself and a few friends were deemed "inappropriate" and lower than she was. It did hurt to be stabbed in the back and lied to, especially since we used to be so friendly toward one another. Our bond wasn't exactly sisterly but we were close. As Nicole Ritchie would say, she was not a "Diamond", she sparkled like one but underneath it all, she was just fragile glass...not even strong enough to support herself.

I guess the reason why I took this little diddy out is because I was reminded of her recently while watching one of those lifetime movies. Her betrayal reminded me that power really is the world's most intoxicating drug. And that no matter how hard we try we will always run into people who are total junkies yet utter cowards.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

......The Week In BAMZ.........

Disclaimer:This is all about BAMZ, so if you're a hater I must ask, why are you here? Insulting me will not change my mind, yes it's fun I know but it's wasted webspace and compared to my Bennifer 2 entries I've been pretty kind to Aniston and have not dedicated an entry hating on her. Put the tiki torches away because I moderate the comments so your efforts will be fruitless. But if you're a fan, welcome! I hope you enjoy my humble abode here on blogger and that you visit me again. This does not mean that I will abandon my 10 Items entries, I just decided that my beloved BAMZ needed their own weekly update.

Hello my fellow BAMZ babies! Technically, this should be the "The Weeks in BAMZ" entry but I was in a pensive mood for the past few weeks so I had to get that taken care, just scroll down to see what I mean. So, let's get this shizzy started and as always, I have to credit Just Jared, and the lovely folks at Brad and for the pictures!

1. Just a day after the adoption announcement, Papa Pitt and Maddox aka Braddox, dined in NYC at what else, a space themed restaurant. Madd is really into outerspace, he does have awesome moonboots! Papa Pitt just looks so damn proud!

2. Since Mama Jolie was/is filming the Good Shepard in NYC, her and Madd went shopping in Whole Foods and it does look like she may have went into the vitamin section..prenatal? If I had skillz with Adobe I'd be able to tell you but I don't bitches. Some very cute pictures though.

Take that you bottom feeders! You're lucky that I'm too young to know what finger to stick up!

3. Mama Jolie, Zahara and I believe Holly are running some errands and went into a courthouse in California. No marriage license had been revealed yet so don't freak out. Although you can clearly see that Zahara wants to stick out her tongue but she is a lady, so she is instead embracing her mama's boobies.

4. It looks as if Mama Jolie is not a procrastinator when it comes to holiday shopping! Snaps for her! Here she is wearing her trademark color and a top that has some wondering if she is hiding something or perhaps, she just got her monthly bill and is bloated. Love the LV bag, my sister has a knockoff version!

5. Merry Xmas and happy holidays to all, especially BAMZ! Papa Pitt, Mama Jolie and Zahara picked out a Christmas tree last Sunday. Ah, the domestic life is fabulous.

Is it just me? Or am I the only hearing the stifled screams of Vanity Fair's Leslie Bennett and E! News vertical lemon-headed host Giuliana DePandi coming from the bed of the truck? Nah, I'm just hearing things.

6. Ms. Jolie met with her agents this week but it is unknown what she discussed with them...possible projects or did she reveal a bit of personal news that also begins with a p?

Love the boots, Brad knows them too well since they've probably left marks on his back. Mama Jolie by day, Mistress Jolie by night.

7. The following days were pretty uneventful. Brad had a dinner with a lady friend which was fodder for Rabid Jennifer fans and Angelina had dinner as well sans Brad. I'm not posting pics b/c well, they're boring and they're not with the kids.

8. While sporting a black poncho, Mama Jolie picked Maddox up from his last day of school on the 16th. The spiderman lunchbox rules and so do his silver moonboots.

9. And this past weekend Ms. Jolie finished moving into Casa de Brad soon to be Casa de Jolie-Pitt!

That's it for now my lovelies! Look out for the 10 Items or less update this Christmas! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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.........Officially Missing You............

During these past five years, the world has suffered greatly. Right now, Americans are losing faith in their President and their government. The economy has been more than depressing, and the next generation's financial future is in limbo. Our troops are still fighting this war that seems to be turning into Vietnam. The religious right/Reich in this country are starting a pointless "War on Christmas", trying to overturn Roe vs. Wade, trying to cancel shows like Nip/Tuck instead of putting their time into fighting against real issues like poverty. America is going through one of its "growing pains" stages and it seem as if there is no end in sight.

In my young life, I cannot remember a time where there has been so much suffering during a presidency. I was too young to remember George Sr. but I haven't heard good things...although I'm not surprised. Clinton was by no means perfect, he had his follies. At least my parents were doing well financially and found good paying easily. We as a country were not in debt, abortion rates were down, and we weren't in a war. Most importantly, Americans and a whole as were not suffering as they are now. The survivors of Kartina and Rita did not deserve to lose everything that they've ever known, despite what that asshole Bill O'Reilly says. Being poor was not entirely their fault it was also the our government's.

As I reflect on these past five years, I kept help but think of those who have perished. I have not been personally affected, but I know those who have and my heart goes out to them. It all started with 9/11 which had the potential to be prevented but was not. I'm sorry to all the surviving family members and friends, you all have been through so much and I wish I could find the perfect words to console you. Your healthcare shouldn't have been cut, and your devastating loss should not be used by our president as his greatest triumph, it is not, as Al Franken would say, "His little black dress." Well now, it seems like that little number is wearing itself out and ripping at the seams. Osama is still out there and the American people have grown tired of it being mentioned by their leader. Please ignore neo-cons like Ann Coulter, none of us believe that you are cowardly, we admire your strength and adversity. We're just sorry that justice has not been served for your loved ones, hopefully we can change that in the new year.

Bali, Madrid, Iraq and England and any of the countries that have been directly attacked by terrorists, Americans truly did feel sympathy for all of you. Yes, there were some like Mann Coulter who didn't care but they were in the minority. Our President has not made the world a safer place and we apologize for letting him do so by electing him. There are other ways to remove dictators from power but sadly, our President only favors force. The world shouldn't have paid the price for America's mistake and for that we are greatly sorry.

Mother Nature lit a fire under our asses this year and we paid dearly for it. She made it perfectly clear that we need to deal with global warming immediately instead of ten years from now. Katrina, the tsunami, the earthquake in Pakistan and to a lesser extent, Rita, took many innocent lives or shattered some along the way. It's disappointing how America is one of the world's richest countries yet over a million Americans were/still are displaced while thousands died and others committed such heinous crimes in order to survive. Somehow CNN and Oprah got down there faster then our own government, and that is horribly embarrassing. Lives were lost and it could have been prevented. To those who have suffered, I'm apologetic but also optimistic because our government learned their lesson the hard way.

The War in Iraq has claimed thousands of lives but ruined many in the process. Never again will Cindy Sheehan and mothers like her hold their son or daughter. Fathers will not be able to see their daughters get married and have grandchildren or say, "You'll always be my little girl" ever again. Spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends can never kiss, make love, spoon, massage or comfort their beloveds. The parentless children out there will always wonder what their lives would have been like if their mother or father were alive to watch them grow up. Siblings will never be able to pointlessly argue, playfully wrestle, "borrow" each other's things or annoy the hell out of one another because their brother or sister are resting in peace. Newlyweds will never know how married life would have been like. The troops that had just became parents will never feel their sleeping child's heart beat against their chest ever again. And why? Greed seems to be the main reason that I've been hearing and I tend to agree with it. I also believe that W wanted to make his mark with his term and outdo his father. The cost of American lives that were going to be lost was not a factor for him. Why? Because no one close to him was going to actually set one foot on the battlefield.

Those who have perished because of this war, I do not condemn them. They died doing their job and following orders without being able to question the reasoning behind them. I don't know what to say without sounding cliche and insincere. I just know that your loved ones miss you and that the majority of Americans do empathize with them. There are loved and taken cared of, but they are also thinking of you and so are we.

If there is a heaven, I hope it looks like the picture that I have posted above. High above Earth, luminous and full of light. Oh and that Morgan Freeman is its ruler. Yes, I know that he is alive but I believe he is moonlighting and is caring after the deceased pretty damn well when he isn't making superb films, of course this assuming that God exists but that's for another time.

The light shinning through the dark clouds gives me hope. 2005 was the year of pain, loss and growth. 2006 will be a year of reflection, hope, rebuilding and healing.

Friday, December 09, 2005

....Amelia's Story.....

In 6th grade I met Amelia. She was full of so much energy, love and joy, it was almost nauseating. I always wondered how someone so petite could have such a strong presence. Her skin was like porcelain; her eyes were sky blue while her hair was milk chocolate brown and straight as a board. By no means was she an Angelina, she was more like Reese Witherspoon: cute, bubbly but clearly intelligent. Unlike Ms. Witherspoon, she was a Jehovah's Witness.

Since we were children, most of us were curious about her religion. And without hesitation and beaming with pride, she informed us. Whenever she was required to stay home from school during "holiday" parties, she did so without ever complaining. Her peers would ask her whether or not she felt left out or "weird" when we celebrated someone's birthday and would cheerily reply with, "No, I'm used to it". Then, something changed within her throughout the years.

By high school, her once radiating light was now dimly lit. She wasn't exactly Debbie Downer; she was still polite but was hesitant when questioned about her religion and her personality seemed indifferent. I don't doubt that puberty and maturity had something to do with her changed self. I choose to believe that as she got older she realized how restrictive and isolating her religion was and secretly resented it, including her parents. If I were close to her, then I'd give you an explanation but unfortunately we weren't friends; this hasn't changed since. Somehow, she became part of the popular preppie crowd while I was neutral. Nonetheless, we were always cordial and kind towards one another. It's hard to dislike the brunette and Jehovah's Witness version of Reese Witherspoon.

During senior year, we were in yearbook together. Or as I affectionately called it, “The block where that asshole Huard wasted his time chastising me for doing not doing anything when I actually was". Although we stuck with out respective groups, we did interact with one another from time to time. See, these "Plastics" were not mean, they smelled nice, were intelligent, pretty and always nice to us Neutrals while wearing Abercrombie and carrying their Coach purses.

Towards the middle of November, two things happened: the Plastics put a paper "Holiday" tree in the middle of the room and the Neutrals (Erika, Allyson, Teagan, Debbie and I) decided to do a "Secret Santa". The last week of school before winter vacation-- each day --we would leave a gift in the classroom for our secret Santa. Since Debbie was the perpetual pothead, she basically ruined our plans by not showing up the first day. Despite her rude absence, we revealed our gifts to one another. The Plastics got wind of our idea and decided to pay a little homage by deciding to exchange gifts on the last day before the break instead of the entire week, with the exception of Amelia.

When the last day came, gifts, cards, hugs and inappropriately shaped cookies were exchanged and one person was neglected. My heart sank when I saw the somber and envious expression on Amelia's face. I didn't have to ask her to know how she felt. Guilt must have been the predominant feeling since she wasn't supposed to be at the holiday party in the first place. I assumed that she lied to her parents to attend...she may be a Christian, but she's also a teenage girl that wanted be around her friends. There was also a sense of loneliness in her baby blues although she was surrounded by friends; she was the only outsider looking in. In her head, she remembered the time when her parents explained to her why they didn't celebrate holidays, "It's not what God wants, he dislikes it because it is non-Christian." But as she witnessed this celebration, she wondered how something that is “non-Christian” can be so horrible since it obviously brought so much love and joy to her friends. As she looked at their ecstatic faces, she questioned if the path that her parents had chosen for her was the one that she was destined to take.

Other than me, one of her friends noticed her distant expression and asked if she was fine. Like the girl that she was, she forced a closed mouth smile and answered yes. The friend touched her shoulder, asked if she was sure. Amelia nodded and told her to continue unwrapping her gift. The moment her friend turned away, her smile faded and she looked away not wanting to alarm any of her other friends. From ten feet away, I silently joined in on her sadness. There were times where I chose to be the outsider looking in, but in her case it wasn't; it was decided for her before she was conceived.

I wish I could tell you what happened to her and if she's still practicing. Chances are, she probably is since most parents support their children through college. The optimistic side of me believes that she chose a liberal arts school far away from her parents reach and only pays lip service to their religion when she returns home. If she is doing this, I hope she has a handle on things and that she doesn't get caught. Because being who you are in front of your parents and the world is the greatest risk you will ever have to take.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

........From B to A......

To those of you who love this blog or love to hate it, you're probably wondering why there is a lack of Bennifer 2 hate, especially since their offspring came into the world this past week. Well, since BAMZ has formed, my attention has been mostly focused on them which is quite obvious actually. Does this mean that I'll completely abandon my Bennifer 2 hate entries...yes and no.

BAMZ is everything that Bennifer 2 isn't and I absolutely love it! They're beautiful inside and out, talented, successful, selfless, humanitarians, intelligent, classy, and not a curse on humanity and Hollywood. Unlike Bennifer 2, pictures or articles about this foursome do not incite anger or annoyance, just love and double awwws. In a nutshell, they bring out the positive side of me. And honestly, wasting all that angry energy is bad for my health and my complexion. So, I will no longer dedicate entire entries to Bennifer 2.

Now, just because I won't write entries doesn't mean that I will never mention them. Most likely, they'll get a blurb in my 10 Items or less entries. Will there be exceptions? Of course! If Ben happens to lets' say...partakes in an orgy in Vegas w/ dawrf transexual strippers while snorting crack off of them, my well-toned ass will sooo be on that story. That's like getting mad at a dog for eating a steak that you placed directly in fron it or being shocked when another of Paris Hilton's engagements gets called off. Hell, if Ben or even Jennifer fuckup, I'll be a guest star by dropping in doing my part and then head on out. Other than that, I'll be MIA.

So, I would like to take this time to thank those who have supported my Bennifer 2 hate along the way.

, you are every bennifer 2 haters dream! Girl, you are smart, witty, informative and refreshingly honest. You're not afraid to state the truth and to be hated because of it. You're an inspiration to us all! And I'll miss informing you about my anti-bennifer 2 entries. Although a small part of me wishes that something horribly grand (not fatal) would happen to our much loathed pair just so I can send you a lovely PM. Knowing them, that day seems inevitable.

Kendra, the passion that you have is unbelievable and to anyone who is weak, it could be overwhelming. Thankfully, I am not in the latter. If you, katy and myself came together, the pro-bennifer 2 folks wouldn't recover after dealing with us. I admire the fact that you still stuck w/ the show after I and many others like me, jumped ship after the premiere. You try to find the good and the beauty where people like myself cannot and for that, I tip my hat to you. I'm sorry that Bennifer 2 and ABC has done this to you. If I ever get the chance, I'll give them their comeuppance and it will be motherfucking grand. Please still love me for choosing BAMZ because I know how you were hating on Brad.

Emilie and Electric, although both of you were one time players, I appreciated your comments. You're both so fantabulous for showing great intelligence by choosing MV over BA, damn sexy I tell ya! lol I can never hate a girl for having great taste in men and in hating. Much love to you both, boos.

Much love,

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Saturday, December 03, 2005

......We are family..soon to be officially!............

Yesterday it was announced by Brad's publicist that he filed the adoption papers for Maddox and Zahara! WOOT, WOOT! It's time for the all skeptics and those living in denial to finally accept that Brad and Angelina are not just friends or fuck buddies as some have crudely suggested, they are legit! And no, they're not married but in California, unmarried couples can adopt, including gays. Gotta love America's bluest state!

Since he obviously has Angelina's consent, and well, is not Kevin Federline or Steve Irwin, the process should go off without a hitch. After the hearing, he can take a picture w/ Zahara, Maddox and the judge. That would be such a beautiful picture and I don't mind if it's kept private, some things are sacred. I just wish this is brief, and that soon after..we'll see an affectionate picture..I'm yearning for it. Hell, we all are!

This, at least to me, seems more soldifying than marriage because adoption is forever! So no matter what happens between Angelina and him (heaven forbid), he will always be their Papa Pitt. The Jolie-Pitts, America's hottest and most modern family!

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Thursday, December 01, 2005

...All we need is........

Thanks to Trent, I was reminded that today is world AIDS day. We must remember those who have lost their lives either battling the disease and those who tried to find a cure for it. Staying-alive is a great site with a lot of information and ways help in the fight against HIV/AIDS. And, Bristol-Myers Squibb is donating up to $100,000 to AIDS causes for every candle lit at, and it's very easy to do, just find your continent and click. Everyone from liberals to conservatives and those in between...please realize that AIDS affects everyone. The virus does not single out any race, sexual orientation, religion or economic status. It is not who you are, but what you do that determines whether you can become infected with HIV/AIDS.

Looking back this seems like the lows outweigh the highs. Many lives have been lost because of the natural disasters, terrorist bombings overseas, and of course, the War in Iraq. Then there's the state of the US government, Bush's approval ratings are so down i'm surprised they haven't made it into the negatives, the Democrats in congress grew balls, Republicans are being indicted or fired because of their shady dealings or leaks. Although a lot of Americans are divided, we're not going to have another Civil War. Sorry Michael Savage, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Bill O'Reilly, the gays, lesbians, bisexuals, drag queens, trannies and the transgendered are here to stay. Besides, a Drag Queen could destroy Ann Coulter w/out even breaking a sweat or nail.

For 2006, let's make a deal. I will no longer dedicated entire entries to my Bennifer 2 hate, if all you haters of liberals, non-christians, and GLBT learn to be a bit more accepting and actually TRY to see things from their perspectives. If there's something that we all need this upcoming year and holiday season, it's love, tolerance and hopefully acceptance..yes, I'm including myself too. At the end of the day, we're all connected and if we don't start treating each other like human beings instead of mutants, we're going to be doomed. Oh we need to treat Mother Nature better, she has been kicking our asses this past year for good reason.

Much love,