Into My Mind

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


I was reminded recently of my first real heartbreak on one of the message boards that I frequently visit. The girl, (who is fabulous) she asked us if she should tell her guyfriend that she had more than platonic feelings for him. She did via online but he made her wait before telling her that he shared the same feelings. Then, he told her that he didn't want to change their relationship which was of course a huge disappoint, at least for the members anyway, she seemed to take it better than us LOL. At least in her situation he was up front with what he wanted, no matter how wrong it is, haha.

My situation was...well, it didn't go as smoothly. It was three years ago. He led me on to believe that he could have possibly wanted more when he really didn't, and he did this more than once. Whenever I made my feelings known (twice) he would ignore me, like I was nothing. Never once did he straight out tell me how he felt because he was too cowardly to do so. So one day, he just decided that I didn't exist to him, literally. I was with a group of friends and he spoke to one of them without even LOOKING at me.

I was devastated because I had never been so close to ANYONE. There were things that he knew about me that no one else did. I should have given up because when he found out about my feelings it wasn't from me, it was revealed to him by a so-called friend but he didn't make a move, he couldn't. The worst part, he had a girlfriend that he was crazy about. I became privy to this information over a month later...while my the rest of my friends knew. Even after they broke up, I denied what my friend had told him...I should have stuck with it but I didn't and I don't regret it.

Looking back, I knew I shouldn't have pushed but then again, he should have been straight with me instead of hiding. What really hurt me the most was the loss of his friendship because that's what I valued most. I never had that type of bond with anyone before and to have it severed, so was damaging.

Usually, anger is the first stage and pain is the last. For me, not so much. It was reversed because I had been so tired of crying and feeling so much anguish because I didn't know where he stood. After some time I saw him for what he really was, a nice guy that was a closet masochist who dated utter and complete bitches. And I wasn't one, I'm still not.

The result is the poem that I'm about to post. When someone has absolute power, he/she doesn't need to raise their voice, make idle threaten or menacing gestures. Every single word that is said will be taken seriously without any question and I think this poem really captures that. Because it's not long and it doesn't rhyme, it just right to the point. It's short but it isn't sweet. Here it is.

It must be hard to stand up
Without having a damn spine
You must enjoy getting fucked over
I can tell from the bitches that you date
I see how you play that game
Playing the victim, to get sympathy
And to think, I used to fall for it
Now, I just think you're pathetic
And you call yourself a man
Ha, you sad excuse for a boy
I can't believe I wasted my time
On a fucking loser like you

Thursday, March 02, 2006

.......He'll never know........

For the first time, I was reluctant to post an entry. Believe it or not, I am considerate of others feelings. Then after venting to Jamison, I decided to post it. This blog is supposed to bring you into my mind. Names have been withheld and access has been limited but my feelings have not been censored.

The other day, an acquaintance of mine announced that he was getting married and for the most part, I was/am happy for him. Love is a beautiful thing and it's always great when two people want to announce their undying feelings to the world. Then, as I went to bed, I started thinking.

That's when it hit me, he can say "I'm getting married!" and have its every meaning be absolute, since he's white, Christian and straight. Never will he think or say "Well...civil union" or "Not legally" after saying that sentence. He will never realize just how lucky he is to be able say that he's getting married and have it be true, literally and figuratively or how fortunate he is to have that right. And if this were the 1950's it wouldn't be any different since him and his fiance are white. However, I wouldn't be able to marry out of my race.

He has so much freedom and rights; the sad part is, he doesn't even know it. Nor will ever appreciate just how blessed he is to have them. Him and his fiance can walk the streets showing PDA without fear of being heckled or physically attack, or even murdered. They can adopt kids without worrying if their state allows them to. Speaking of kids, they'd be able to divorce or if one of them died, the other would automatically get custody instead of fighting the state to keep their family together. If some tragic accident happened to one of them, they would get to see each other and be able to make important life altering decisions without getting the third degree or bringing it to court. And when they go on vacation, they will never have to explain to the front desk and other vacationers that they're not related.

Their love for one another will never be called sinful because society views them as acceptable, normal. They can walk into 95% of the Christian churches in our country without fear of being turned away for who they are. Neither of them can fathom being persecuted for expressing their love or having to fight for the right to marry because they're in the majority. God, he is..he has it made and he doesn't even know it.

As I thought about this, I cried. I know, it's not the most productive thing to do but I couldn't help it. I'm not gay or bisexual but I am in the minority because of something that I can't change about myself. I know what it's like to be called derrogatory names and to have things thrown at me while I'm walking down the street....because it's happened to me. My tears were not only shed for myself but for everyone who is in the same situation as I am. Because we're the only ones that will understand why this fight needs to be fought, its importance and how everyone that hates us will never realize that we won't ever give up.