Into My Mind

Thursday, April 29, 2004

.....Role Model....

The term “Role model” is an idea that I do not believe in. No one is perfect and that is what role models are expected to be. I don’t model myself after anyone; instead, I get inspired by them.
comedienne/actress Margaret Cho has made a great impact in my life. For years I had admired Margaret for her comic talent. It wasn’t until after I had read her autobiography, I’m the One that I Want that I respected her as a person and an author.

In her own words, she describes her battles with alcoholism, eating disorders, failure and society’s distorted view of the “Perfect body”. With her hilarious sense of humor and her unbridled style of storytelling, Margaret depicts an inspirational tale of hope, recovery, determination and self acceptance.
One of the issues that she grapples with is living up to the standard of being the “Perfect Asian”. She had received pressure from her parents, Hollywood, producers and the Asian community to perpetuate the Asian stereotype (i.e. intelligent, submissive and most of all thin). After having her sitcom cancelled, her life went into a downward spiral. Eventually, she realized that failure is apart of life - not the end of it.

One of the reasons why I consider Margaret to be an inspiration is because she is unapologetic about who she is. She stands up for what she believes in and doesn't care what others think. If you check out her website, you'll see what I'm talking about. Recently, she has said a few things about President Bush that has say the least, upsetted his supporters. What does she do in response to their criticism? She posted their hateful e-mails on her site showing how spiteful SOME of these people can be. When she had to perform a few shows in Texas, the Young Conservatives threated to protest her show. Of course no one showed up and she actually had a small protest outside the venue as her fans piled in. It was just her and her best friend Bruce, but it still caught the attention of security and passerbys.

When she was on her television show, she received a lot of unneeded criticism. They even had a person come onto the set to teach her how to be more "Asian". One little girl said, "I feel shame when I see Margaret Cho." For what what reason? Was it because she wasn't portraying a submissive servant? Or was it because she wasn't a genius that constantly had her nose buried in a calculus book? Maybe, it was because she wasn't working as manicurist or owned a laundry mat. Give me a fucking break! Margaret's reply to this little girl?

"Was it because I didn't play the violin or maybe it was because I wasn't fucking Woody Allen?" Great isn't it? lol I personally thought that her critics should have backed off, because it wasn't like there were a lot of televison shows about Asians in the first place. The show wasn't about a Korean family living in South Korea, the show was about an Asian-AMERICAN family living in California. Yet, they criticized for not being Asian enough? Being Asian is small part of who she is, it's not what she's trying to be. And this is what a role model should be. He or she should be accepted for his of her flaws and strengths.

Whatever. Have you all noticed since then, there hasn't be any kind of show about Asian Americans? I'm quite hopeful that there will be in my lifetime. I just hope that people realized that it was Margaret that opened the door for them.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004


So, I guess that's how I've been feeling lately. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because well..I just don't want to. I prefer writing because I can just express my thoughts without anyone judging me.

I've been feeling a mixture of anger, annoyance and sadness. And yes, this is partly because of the person that I spoke about in the previous entry. I know that I shouldn't let it affect me because he or she doesn't really matter to me that much, least act considerate when I'm in your presence! I do the same for this person and it's like I don't even exist. When my presence is acknowledged by this person, all I get in return is unneeded rudeness. And I don't deserve it at all.

I can't drop this person because well..I just can't because of the ill-fated results that will occur. It's just frustrating because I hate feeling like this but on the other hand I hate making others feel bad. I should really learn how to be more self concerned. It's horrible because when I even think about the person, I get all...emotional and I can't push him/her out of my mind. I just need to go to bed, get into the fetal position and just cry. God, I just sounded like a drama queen, shoot me now please?

With that said, I'm going to just talk to Steph (my alias bud from Minnesota). She knows how I'm feeling and I can speak to her freely without any judgement or lectures. Night all.

Friday, April 16, 2004

..........Dry Spell.......

I'm still going through a dry spell of inspiration. This just worries me greatly because well...I need some inspiration. It's so vital and I've so many different ways to get some spark that will give me new idea for a story. I'm frustrated, I mean, god. As if this isn't bad enough, I'm feeling kind of disconnected this week too. Maybe it's because I'm so tired. Well I know what sparked it. Someone close to me said something that basically said that I don't matter to him or her. This isn't the first time he or she has said this. I got over that. Him or her just keeps on speaking as if I'm not even there. It's like, "Hello, I'm standing right in front of you!" I don't know, I'll have to deal with it I guess.

Tomorrow, I'm going to just sleep because this past week I've gotten very little rest. I've tried to sleep a half hour eariler and I still wokeup feeling a zombie. Last night, I've had to stay up late and record and watch "The Apprentice" I loved how they ended it! I was actually suprised and thought they were going to pause when Trump said "You're hired" to either Kwame or Bill, then cut to live a audience for the reveal of the winner. I was so wrong! I loved how they pulled away the set to reveal the audience and I couldn't help but smile when Bill lifted his hands in the air. And best of all, Troy came back!

I love that man, he was in Conan O'Brien's audience with his wife the other day. I'm so jealous of her. I'm a sucker for accents, lol. I found it to be hilarious when the camera went on Ereka to reveal that Omarosa was right next to her. She is quite evil, Omarosa that is. I watched the dateline special on the show and her husband Earl, he is seems like the whipped type. Even her hairdo screams evil lol. I gotta bounce guys bye.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

.....Independent Study.....

As of right now, I am currently in my independent study working on-well, "working" on my short story "Retribution". Karibian just caught me typing and said that he wants to read my blog. HA! He doesn't know the URL, so he's not going to see it.

Anyway, "Retribution" was inspired by "You Thought Wrong" by Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Grey. When I first heard the song I came up with a music video concept. It was strange yet exciting at the same time. Those girls have a great set of pipes on them! I really felt their anger, which motivated me even more. I actually considered contacting Kelly with this concept. Then, I remembered what happened when I e-mailed the The Calling with a concept. I got no reply whatsoever. Ah well. I decided to turn my concept into a short story.

I love McG (Director of Charlie's Angels and many music videos) I love his style and so, the story is very slick. With fast cars, hot ladies, swank mansions and of course I had throw in a club. Alos, I think this story is an ode to the digital age with mobile phones, computers and other techie toys.

This fic is definitely plot driven. It's about two girls, Audrey and Jade they've been played by the same man, Mark. To get revenge, they come up with an elaborate plan. Will they get away with it? I'm not saying a word! It's very Ocean's 11 like with a big heist going on. I loved writing it and I hope Karibian enjoys it as well. Or maybe he will side with Jolicoeur and call me a "man hater." LOL I still can't help but to laugh when I remember that.

This is totally off-track but when I was still in yearbook (that horrid class) I would browse through (which is now taken down!) and just drool at pics of shirtless male celebs. One day, while I was browsing Jolicoeur was passing through the room and said hi to me. I had a look of guilt on my face when I answered and he knew it lol. He came over and caught me looking at Erik Von Detten's shirtless form. Ah good times lol.

The bell is about to ring in two minutes and then, the freshmen will return. Thirty five minutes later, I will leave and dine with Erika and Allyson. Then, I will go to Plant and Animal Science do a whole lot of nothing. Fun! I really hope that that tarantula doesn't escape her tank. At least on Friday, we're going to watch Seabiscuit. Hopefully, I won't be distracted by Tobey's fiery red hair while watching the film.

I'm not quite in the mood to work on "Retribution" and I forgot to save the outline for "Presence" on one of my many floppys, so I can't really work on that either. So, I guess I'll just have to keep writing in this little blog of mine until my 35 minutes is up.

Karibian is doing grammar now. I hated doing that when I was in that class. I mean, god, I loathe it with a passion. Granted, I am writer but there are always downsides to each profession and grammar is one of them. Along with editiing, it's just so tedious! Mrs. White tried to make it as easy as possible and she did. But then again, I don't really remember what I learned except for the basics. Other than that, I feel like banging my head against the wall when the word "grammar" is even mentioned.

I have 15 minutes left and counting. Let's see, I've started an "We Love the 80's" thread at and only one person has replied to it. Thanks Captain Zippy! It's our own version of VH1's "I Love the 80's" just well, with us doing the commentary. I'm not even going to try to be like Michael Ian Black or Mark McGrath, those guys are hilarious. Although maybe I should be like Mo Rocca and change my user name to a rapper's name. Granted, Mo is just his nickname but I can't help but to think of Jay-Z when I hear his name.

A few observations that I made are about New Kids on the Block, Fullhouse, big hair and Saved By the Bell. I know that I'm forgetting a lot but that's what I posted to start the thread. I will admit, I did wear leg warmers in second grade. That's right, I was styling. Punky Brewster was my hero, "Punky Power!!" Solei Moon Frye is awesome. Of course, Goonies is one of my ultimate 80's movies. Although, I'm obsessed with John Hughes film as well. And, big hair; the higher the hair, the closer to God. My sister had a perm and she must have been an angel because her hair was sky high! Personally, I was a fan of Fraggle Rock. Those little construction guys were so cute and I sympathized with them. They worked on those little clear buildings and the fraggles would just eat them! LOL I was always secretly hoping that they would plan a revolt against the Fraggles and overtake them with their little bulldozers and their chubby little bodies. It did freak me out that fraggles seeked guidance from a pile of leaves. Was he supposed to be like their sensei or something? Did the heap even have a name? Like, Mr. Miyagi or Yoda?

Speaking of the "Karate Kid" what ever happened to Ralph Macchio? Granted, I've only seen like three of his films but I thought that he was a pretty good actor. I watched the third "Karate" movie a few days ago. I don't think Miyagi even ages, he's like the Asian Dick Clark. I didn't know that Elisabeth Shue was in the first "Karate" movie. I gotta go, the lunch bell is about to ring. Later all.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004


What a beautiful title, huh? Hehe, I got earworm from VH1's Best Week Ever. An earworm is a catchy song that has moved into your brain and it will not get out. Currently, "Hey Mama" by Black Eyed Peas has infested my brain. And when I'm alone, I dance to it, actually, it's just full out ass shaking session. I'm trying to spark some inspiration into my little brain of mine. This is annoying because I usually get bursts of inspiration but recently, I've been going through a dry spell. I hope I get over it soon.

Karibian staged a fight with me in front of the freshmen. He's such a dork and quite the actor I must say. I don't feel like writing tomorrow, so I guess I'm going to do some correcting or whatever the hell he wants to me to do. I did hand in my romance fic to him ...ack I hope he doesn't think I'm sex obsessed or anything. It's not smutty because I'm not comfortable with writing that kind of stuff yet, it's just sensual. I'm proud of it though, I was listening to "Sweetest Sin" by my favorite domestic diva, Jessica Lachey when I wrote it. Although the next story that I'm handing into him is the total opposite. If my memory serves me right, I think Jolicoeur said, "I read your story. You man hater." LOL It should be fun to see Karibian's reaction.

In pop culture we watched the rest of "Blackboard Jungle" That is one unintentionally funny film. Brouse didn't burst into song though which makes me sad because I was ready to show everyone my jazz hands. It's weird to see how it was like in the 50's and how women were consider "Sexy" if they wore a dress that showed their calf. I love the slang of that era too so cheesy. And in plant and animal science we're going to be doing a whole lot of nothing for the rest of the week. The Juniors are going to be gone tomorrow and Thursday they're doing model UN. I'm going to miss Paul Parks or as Jill says, "Paaul Paaaks" LOL Oh how I will miss his pepper dance that looks like he's doing a Hawaiian diddy. Or his precious sprinkler dance. I have a crush on Paul not sex crush. A crush just means that I like his personality and that I see him as a friend. A sex crush is mostly physical, but you can like them as a person as well and you'd want to sleep with that person. For example, I have a crush on Paul but a sex crush on Hugh Jackman. Another example, I have a crush on Erika but I have a sex crush on Rob Estes. See? I gotta go now, bye all!

Friday, April 09, 2004


Today in pop culture we played trivial pursuit! I did all right I guess, of course I didn't know any of the questions that I got but I knew almost everyone else's. That's the only time when I get really competitive. I feel that trivial games is definitely my strength and I can get crazy, ALMOST like Monica from Friends. I'm not the quiet, distant type when I get competitve, I'm the total opposite! It's horrible, because if one of my fellow teammates messes up I become frustrated and I know that I shouldn't. Oh well, I'll need to work on that :)

I don't know why, but lately I've been playing old and new school R&B on my comp. "Hey Mama" by Black Eyed Peas is total booty shaking song. And "Fuck It" by Eamon and it's companion "Fuck You Right Back" by Frankee has been playing nonstop on my computer. I can't get enough of "I'm Goin' Down" by Mary J. Blige, she has so much soul and her voice is just booming. I'm so obsessed with it, that I fall asleep with one of the songs in my head.

I see it as escape, I guess. I mean, my Mom has been, well up until two seconds ago, off my back. The woman needs drama and it just frustrates me, I hate it. I'm actually happy when on weekdays because I rarely get to see my parents because of their work. I know that was kind of random but she was getting on back about not washing a pan and how she always has to tell me what to do. Whatever, the grass will ALWAYS be greener on the otherside in her mind, so I'll just ignore her because she causing herself unneeded stress, and frankly, I don't want any of it.

Back to the music, Frankee's reply to Eamon is so harsh yet sooo funny! In a way, I'm kind of on her side. Even though she cheated on him, he didn't have the right to talk behind her back and try to ruin her. Yet, he claims to still love and care for her? He's not any better than she is. I hate guys like that especially after breaking up with a girl, they feel like they have the right tell the world everything.

Like 50 cent after breaking up with Vivica A. Fox, he went on Howard Stern and told him everything. He was laughing with him and his boys. He even wrote a song about her. Jackasses. I didn't like him to begin with but after seeing that, I went from disliking him to hating him. Did anyone see how he got all pissed off at the Grammy's when Evanescence walked away with "Best New Artist" and while they were getting up, he gave them the evil and walked out of the auditorium? He assumed since Eminem is his mentor that he'd gain the same success and awards. WRONG! Evanescence has true talent and they deserved that award, and best of all they've never once had to repeat a sob story just to get publicity. I don't give a fuck if he got shot nine times in the face, knowing the way that he acts, he probably deserved it and with the cocky attitude he has, I wouldn't be surprised if it happened again. Sorry about my little rant, I just can't stand him.

Anyway, this doesn't just go for guys, ah-hem Tara Reid dissing Carson on Howard Stern anyone? I just think that it's low and down right spiteful. They're also cowards if they say "But I still love her though" after talking all that shit. And, it's pathetic that they need to exploit their past relationships to get attention or to sell records. I even wrote a poem about it, which I will post one day. I put myself in a certain singer's position and explained her side of the story. I'm getting quite tired, so I'm going to bed now. Night my beauties with fine bootys.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

....New and Old lessons...

I know that I said in my previous entry that I would continue but that was days ago! I'm no longer feeling the way that I did when I wrote that, so, I'm not going to really continue it. I'll just say that I'm not destined to have a best friend for whatever reason.

Today, was the first day of 4th quarter. It looks like I'm going to have another easy and final quarter. I'm not emotional about leaving school. I mean, I will miss some of the teachers and my friends but not the school and my graduating class as a whole. Hence why I'm not going to prom. Anyway, pop culture seems like a great class because I have been told that we only have four tests and that includes the final and we just do a whole lot of nothing. But we are going to play trivial pursuit!!! I've never played but I know that I'm going to love it because I'm obsessed with pop culture and there are a lot of useless facts in my head about it! Brouse is pretty entertaining because he's like a one man musical, he'll burst into song (he has a really good folk singer voice) and then go right back into lecturing LOL. I kid you not people!

There's this girl named Jenna who is nice but she is the only person from my last quarter class that is truly happy to see me! lol. It's the oddest thing, I think she's cool even though we've only spoken to each other twice. I'm convinced the only reason she has interest in me is because I said that I could do a weird leg trick. She demanded to see it but I've never shown her and I think she's hoping that she'll charm me into doing the trick. That's not going to happen lol. She clapped for me when I presented my Goonies board game too, she's a sweetie and ya know what, her boyfriend is pretty cool too. So, I'm going to display my Blaccent and give a shout out to my home girl Jenna yo! Hollaz! LMAO I'm total dork!

Third block I have my independent study in creative writing with Karibian. I love that man and I don't mean that in a romantic lolita kind of way either!You perverts! In the words of my older sister Phea, "Eww gross!!" lol He's a great teacher and a great guy as well. He's teaching English freshmen, and he happens to be the in the same room where I had English for freshmen and sophomore year. As I typed up the outline and character descriptions for "Revelations of the Night" I listened in on his class discussion about Romeo Juliet. A lot of them haven't seen the remake with Leo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. When I mean a lot, I mean that only two people have seen it! No one knew who Claire Danes was and I almost butted in and said "My So-Called Life" or "The Mod Squad" but then I remembered that they would have been to too young to know the show or the movie. that very moment I felt kind of old lol. The more I listened, the more I realized how little they know and oddly enough, I never thought that I would ever feel this way about a group of people. I'm assuming I was the same way when I was a freshmen and so, I guess that I've grown during these past four years without really knowing it.

I'm looking forward to the course and when I'm feeling unmotivated to write, I'll do some correcting. Karibian said I could of course, I'm not too confident with my grammar skills but oh well. He offered me some of his lunch, which was nice of him. He's like a younger Mr. Griffin because they are the only teachers who have actually offered me food lol and Griffin has actually bought me breakfast a few times as well. And the first time I walked into their classes they were drawn to me and made it a point to talk to me. Weirdos lol I kid, I kid. It's always the outgoing teachers that are interested in me. Anyway, I just wanted wish them and their families the best of luck because they deserve it. Night all.