Into My Mind

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


I was reminded recently of my first real heartbreak on one of the message boards that I frequently visit. The girl, (who is fabulous) she asked us if she should tell her guyfriend that she had more than platonic feelings for him. She did via online but he made her wait before telling her that he shared the same feelings. Then, he told her that he didn't want to change their relationship which was of course a huge disappoint, at least for the members anyway, she seemed to take it better than us LOL. At least in her situation he was up front with what he wanted, no matter how wrong it is, haha.

My situation was...well, it didn't go as smoothly. It was three years ago. He led me on to believe that he could have possibly wanted more when he really didn't, and he did this more than once. Whenever I made my feelings known (twice) he would ignore me, like I was nothing. Never once did he straight out tell me how he felt because he was too cowardly to do so. So one day, he just decided that I didn't exist to him, literally. I was with a group of friends and he spoke to one of them without even LOOKING at me.

I was devastated because I had never been so close to ANYONE. There were things that he knew about me that no one else did. I should have given up because when he found out about my feelings it wasn't from me, it was revealed to him by a so-called friend but he didn't make a move, he couldn't. The worst part, he had a girlfriend that he was crazy about. I became privy to this information over a month later...while my the rest of my friends knew. Even after they broke up, I denied what my friend had told him...I should have stuck with it but I didn't and I don't regret it.

Looking back, I knew I shouldn't have pushed but then again, he should have been straight with me instead of hiding. What really hurt me the most was the loss of his friendship because that's what I valued most. I never had that type of bond with anyone before and to have it severed, so was damaging.

Usually, anger is the first stage and pain is the last. For me, not so much. It was reversed because I had been so tired of crying and feeling so much anguish because I didn't know where he stood. After some time I saw him for what he really was, a nice guy that was a closet masochist who dated utter and complete bitches. And I wasn't one, I'm still not.

The result is the poem that I'm about to post. When someone has absolute power, he/she doesn't need to raise their voice, make idle threaten or menacing gestures. Every single word that is said will be taken seriously without any question and I think this poem really captures that. Because it's not long and it doesn't rhyme, it just right to the point. It's short but it isn't sweet. Here it is.

It must be hard to stand up
Without having a damn spine
You must enjoy getting fucked over
I can tell from the bitches that you date
I see how you play that game
Playing the victim, to get sympathy
And to think, I used to fall for it
Now, I just think you're pathetic
And you call yourself a man
Ha, you sad excuse for a boy
I can't believe I wasted my time
On a fucking loser like you


  • Over time and through the years I think you learn alot about yourself by the actions of others. Take something postive from this and move on. Everything in life (even those crappy moments) are part of the grand lesson you are trying to learn. Good luck, and take care Mrs. D!!

    By Blogger Goonie17, at 10:48 AM  

  • Thanks Zane, but this happened three years ago so I've moved on. I don't think I could live my if I still felt that angry (look at the poem). And I agree, it was a lesson learned.

    By Blogger Amayaky, at 11:48 AM  

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