.....To Ms. Delusional......

This is a sweet little letter that my sister told me to write to her unruly ex and his new GF.

Dear Delusional,

I do not believe that I am being unreasonable by not believing your sudden change of heart. Of course, I am considering the many times that you have harassed me, my family and my friends through telephone calls, e-mail, handwritten letters or postcards. Actually, I am not surprised that you have not sent me so-called “intimidating” messages through the pony express, smoke signals, a telegraph, telegrams or my personal favorite, a courier pigeon. It is perfectly clear that we do not like each other. Also, it is obvious that one of us has wasted an unbelievable amount of time and energy trying to prove this well-known fact. So, I will not accept your olive branch and if I were a classless woman, I would suggest to you a specific orifice where you could place your branch; but I will not.

Frankly, I am tired of trying to make this point crystal clear to you, I do not want Tyrone. Honestly, he is what we womenfolk call “damaged goods”. However, I do not pass judgment on women like you and Britney Spears who are obviously interested in these types of men. I say, to each her own. Besides, Tyrone is not who I am concerned about in this situation, this is about Kylie.

As you already know, I have married a wonderful man who has treated and loved Kylie as if she were his own. And, I have also given birth to a beautiful baby girl. We are a family and now, we just want it to be legitimate. My husband may not have his blood running through Kylie’s veins, but he is her father and has been for the past couple of years and will continue to be for the rest of her life. Dropping Tyrone’s last name may seem unimportant to you but it means everything to my husband, myself and most importantly, to Kylie as well.

We are adults, yet two of us prefer to play pointless games like hide and seek and he/she said. Tyrone has not made any PERSONAL attempt to contact me about this situation or anything involving his first born child and as far as I know, no one, not even myself, has prevented him from doing so. The truth is, he is not in her life and he CHOOSES not to be. Other than the insulting amount of child support that she receives, he is a phantom to her. Nothing but a faded memory. The only thing that he has given to her - is half her DNA. By the way, if you two are doing so well, at least financially, then why hasn’t the amount of child support risen? If the child support issue is such a burden to him and you, then why not agree to what I have proposed?? Let my husband and I change Kylie’s last name and in exchange, Tyrone will not have to pay child support EVER again. Believe me; she can live without receiving that check for fifty-six dollars per week. Just think about freedom and the extra fifty-six dollars per week that you two will have. Now you crazy kids should not spend it all in one place! Seriously, just try to fathom-I mean, comprehend….scratch that, just really think about this! This will be a clean break, all ties will be severed and we will (as you once wrote on a lovely postcard that I received and have kept in my dear diary), “peacefully” live our lives.

However, there is one alternative that I will never agree to; I will not pay Tyrone all the child support that he has given to Kylie for the past five years. Through genetics, Kylie is his daughter and he is partially responsible for her existence on this Earth. (Please do not make explain to you the birds and the bees, I’d love to, but I actually have a life to live, sorry. Silly you, I’m joking! I know that you have life!) A real man would not ask to be paid the child support that he has given because a real man would not deny the existence of his own child and he would not runaway from his responsibilities. Well, unless he was being controlled and spoken for by a certain individual, whom I haven’t the slightest idea who he or she is, do you know? Oh, there I go kidding myself again; of course I know who it is! I am just so silly I just cannot help myself! Anyway, I really hope you and Tyrone take this letter into heavy and I mean HEAVY consideration.

Sincerely,

S******

P.S. Just between us girls (although I do not doubt that he is behind you reading this letter) you sound as if you are in denial of your current situation. If you truly aspire to be a Baby Mama to a strong-willed man, who can speak for himself and has a well paying job; then Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, I really do, but you are with the wrong boy, that’s right, I said boy. I mean, what else would you call a grown male who has an unhealthy obsession with video games?? From what you have written, it sounds like you want to be with a real man and Honey; you are clearly not with one. Anyway, have an absolutely fab-u-lous day. XOXOX J